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badyogidc

~ We'll meet at the point our paths cross.

badyogidc

Category Archives: Truth

Shift back

09 Thursday Nov 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Beauty Reports, Dragon, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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#nothingforgranted, Beauty Reports, Dragon, Intention, Mending the Hoop, Truth

I’ve felt the shift for awhile now.  You vs. me.  Us vs. them.  It’s been a shift that splits families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues.  But I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.

I read Brene Brown’s book “Braving the Wilderness” and finally someone put it together. Us vs. them keeps the world in black and white.  Us vs. them puts me against you.  Us vs. them isn’t ever that simple.  And it shouldn’t be.

See, the arguments that are being made on a political, religious, life level are more detailed, more intricate, more compassionate than the us vs. them mentality will ever allow.  There is much more #beauty to behold when we see the world not as black and white but as the colors that fill in the gaps.

So let’s shift back.  It sounds easy enough, right?  But it starts by a really hard task – seeing “them” and loving “them.”  Getting them to see “us” and loving “us.”  Healing starts when we see each other, accept our differences, and find a middle ground.

I had one of those (not) amazing Facebook conversations recently that I’m not proud of.  It was about politics.  I tried to call someone out.  But in the midst of my preparing for the next argument, I remembered that we are both human.  And we each have a story.  And that story needs to be respected.  So I stopped.  She tried (I’d like to think half-heartedly to get me to reengage) and I didn’t.  I think that’s what it takes.  We can agree to disagree up until a point; when our “agreeing to disagree” causes one or both of us to lose respect, love, or compassion for the other, we’ve crossed the line.  And it’s necessary to cross back.  It’s not just necessary, but it’s a requirement.  We all need to heal.  If we are to move forward, it’s because we’re moving forward together and not leaving another in the ditch.

Shift back.  It’s going to be hard.  But the reward – actually connecting with and honoring people – is worth it.  I’m willing to shift back.  Who’s in?

November, 2017 – Intention

01 Wednesday Nov 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Dragon, Gratitude, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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Every month, on the first of the month, I sit in mediation and ask myself the question “Who do I want to be when the month ends?”   This month, the question changed slightly and I think it’s indicative of my path forward.  Today, the question that came up was “How do I want to be?”

It’s a subtle shift.  But one that energetically already is landing through my cell tissue.  Who I want to be is a great place to be, but if we look around at the levels of distrust, lack of connection, the way we speak to each other (in person and online), and other things, it’s a shape shifter.

I want to be better.  Not in the arrogance approach to being better.  But as a human.  I want to see people where they are and accept them there.  I want to be joyful.  I want to be honest, with others and most importantly with myself.  I want to be grateful and to express gratitude more frequently.  I want to act in a manner that draws people in, rather than turning them away.  I want to be loving.  Compassionate.  Kind.  I want to be hopeful.  I want to shine brighter through the darkness.  I want to be.

While it’ll be a journey and a I’ll definitely have setbacks (let’s face it, I’m still snarky), I think it’ll be overall healing.  For myself.  For my students.  For friends and for family.  Who’s in?

October, 2017 – Intention

03 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Beauty Reports, Dragon, Forrest Yoga, Gratitude, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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Look at me, being all productive putting this out there only three days into the month.  I just finished assisting the Forrest Yoga Foundation training.  And I have so many takeaways and learnings that I still need to process/put into action.  So this month, I’ll focus on the uptake.  I haven’t necessarily excelled at the uptake; in fact, I may have a slight reputation for going hard/fast to get things accomplished.  Ana pointed this out to me in January of this year to uptake the Beauty, the nourishment, the joy, the healing in yoga poses.  But I’m also taking that off the mat and into life.

So here are some things I’m bringing from last month to this month.  And there will more than likely be pieces of the puzzle added.

I push myself hard, process things quickly as a need to prove myself.  Which is absolutely stupid.  I am the only me on this planet, therefore no one else can or should be on the exact same identical path.  That need to prove comes from a place of seeking validation that I matter.  So I’m going to uptake my own worth, my value, that I am enough.

If you read back through my blog, you know Baxter transitioned last year.  I feel his spirit around me quite frequently.  But apparently, he’s with me even when I don’t feel him.  And his lesson to me – love.  It’s that absolute, authentic love that we all strive to discover.  When Mike died, I very specifically remember saying the phrase “I can never hurt like this again.”  Not knowing at that point the power and magick in those words.  It’s been five years, a lot of therapy, a lot of processing, so much learning, feeling, and so many breaths into my heart, but it’s happening.  The shields have almost all dropped.  My heart that was in a box wants to come out to play and dance.  So I’m uptaking that sensation – wanting to live and to love again.

I have a few more things I’m taking away, but for here/now, this is what I’m feeling this month.  Feel free to uptake along!

Strength

20 Thursday Jul 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Dragon, Forrest Yoga, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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I stumbled onto something today literally by accident.  On Instagram.  Today in my therapy session, we talked some about why I fear my destiny, my power, my light.  After the session, I sat with it briefly, and decided to write a post on a photo about that fear.

Because we’re all afraid of something.  I’m not talking clowns, zombies, bears, or bugs.  I’m talking something bigger about ourselves that when it hits, literally freezes us in our steps.  For me, the fears typically manifest in some reminder and I avoid being that version of myself.  I think that fearing something about ourselves is a common thing.

I also think it’s a learned behavior.  I fear my light, because when I let myself shine, others see it and take advantage.  I fear my light because it draws attention to the fact that I’m not perfect.  I fear my power because I don’t understand how it works; and I may never understand how it works.  I fear because I was either hurt by someone in the past or because society at large isn’t sure what to do with me.

And that’s all bullshit.  Imagine seeing how brightly you can shine, and then realizing how you shine even brighter.  Imagine owning your gifts, given by a universe that understood you could handle them, and using them to heal – not only yourself but others.  Imagine not being afraid of who you are.  Because that person is you.

I’m in good company.  Ana Forrest’s book, “Fierce Medicine,” starts with the chapter “Stalk you fear: Turning from prey to predator.”  She also very wisely says we should stop trying to slay the dragons and ally with them.

Which I think I finally get.  From our greatest fears, comes our greatest strengths.  When we begin to realize that our strength can pull us over/through/away from our fear, that is when we truly begin to step into our power.  And I for one am ready to step into my power.  Who’s with me?

July Intention – Show Up.

03 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Dragon, Gratitude, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons, Truth

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Dragon, Intention, Mending the Hoop, Truth

June quite frankly went by incredibly too fast.  And for whatever reason, many of my old demons and thought patterns surfaced.  Honestly, I stumbled.  I compared myself to others, I compared to this “expectation” of where I should be, and I let those win.  I don’t know if I really even fought back.

This month, with a new focus, new drive, I’m showing up for myself.  When those moments pop up, I won’t vacate, but I’ll feel them out, sit with them, and work on becoming a stronger version of myself.  I’ll listen to and honor the requests my body, my mind, and my spirit want.

There are two phrases that come up frequently in my life.  The first: Dedicate yourself to the effort.  Change, growth, evolution – they don’t just happen.  When we learn something new, we get better with time and practice.  That’s the path we’re all (I’m) on; it’s not a quick fix overnight, I’ve made tremendous progress, but I still have areas to improve.

The other phrase: There is a time and a place for everything. This is my time.  This is my place.

Because my future starts now.

Sunday musings, #1

11 Sunday Jun 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Beauty Reports, Dragon, Gratitude, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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It’s Sunday, June 11.  This weekend in DC was the official “Pride Weekend.”  And I missed it.  I went to New Haven, CT to spend time as a student of Ana.  I took morning intensives the past three days and I’m going to be honest – they still have the power to shift me into a different place, much like they did when I went through my Forrest Yoga Foundation training in 2014.

As I sit here and begin to process some of the nuggets she gave me; some of the ceremony Jose inspired me with, I realize – pride is something I haven’t really felt in my life.  See, I was raised in a church going, Bible reading family.  When I really began to realize I was gay, I fought it.  I fought myself.  I shunned myself.  Some would say that a portion of my soul was sent away when I turned away from myself.

And I still struggle.  To be honest, I don’t really approve much of organized religions these days.  Mainly because I know what I went through to get where I am right now.  There are moments I still don’t accept myself.  There are moments I still feel less than fully human.

And that’s bullshit.  I am exactly who I was intended to be.  I’ve survived what I’ve survived not because I’m a “sinner” or have a karmic balance to uphold, but because my light, even on its darkest days, outshines my dark.

I interchange the word pride with acceptance.  Because that’s what we’re all seeking.  It’s not about being proudly gay, or proudly straight, or proudly trans….

It’s about being accepted for who I (you) am (are) in that moment in time.

June, Intentions

06 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Dragon, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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Wow.  It somehow became June.  I’m a bit is disbelief.  May went by really fast but I learned so much.  And it’s coming back with me in this month’s intentions.

I came back from assisting a training and as is often the case, had a rough time re-establishing a regular schedule, routine, and getting back to my life.  I floundered a few days and then punished myself mentally – to the point that I created a migraine.  There were moments that I knew what was going down and the tail spin was happening.

So this month, I’m returning to me – remembering who I am, where I’m headed, what I want to do, and how I want to be.  Basically the questions of a reporter.  Most important of these is the how – I will be kinder to myself; I will give myself space; I will let steps happen naturally and not force any; and I will be my true self by allowing my light to shine naturally, not forcing it out, and not competing with others.

There’s been a lot of hate, aggression, and all around negative treatment toward others lately.  Kindness, honor, respect start within self and work out from there.  There’s a bigger intention coming in the next few months that ties in with this – I can feel the dragons directing me toward it – but right here, right now, it’s all within myself.  Who wants to play along?

April 2017, intentions

03 Monday Apr 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Beauty Reports, Dragon, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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What am I for?  Can I believe it?

There’s a line from a song that I’m currently obsessed with that, when taken out of context, asks the simple question – what am I for?  And if I knew, could I believe it?  Maybe.

This month, my biggest intention I’m chasing is rediscovering my passions.  I teach yoga – I love teaching yoga.  I get to play in a week with one of my best friends when he comes to the States, I’m assisting Ana Forrest this month, and then I get to play more with Jambo.  When I’m around people that love their craft and students as much as Ana, Jose, and Jambo, it’s so inspirational.  I think I get bonus time with Brian and Szilvia, who always seem to be exactly what I need them to be in that moment.  It’s a good month to rediscover.

But I’m also taking action outside of yoga.  I’m back playing softball.  We had a practice yesterday.  While it was completely obvious I haven’t played in two years, I got some of the rust off – and hung out with some really amazing friends.  My rediscovery – connection.

I’m cooking one “extravagant” meal a month.  Just for me.  I love to cook and love to bake.  And while I cook most meals, I don’t go “balls to the wall” cooking anymore.  You know those recipes – they challenge us; they could go bad; and I might eat take out.  But cooking is meditative for me and I want to spend a few meal times making it more ceremonial.

I’m a healer.  I can say that now and believe it most moments.  Part of healing is understanding that I still get to work on myself.  Most specifically, I have some issues where my tendencies don’t serve and it’s in those spots I want to stalk in my body, find where they live, and learn to work with them.  I may end up removing them altogether but that’s the discovery.

Stepping into my biggest, my brightest, my best self takes time.  Awareness.  Authenticity.  Spirit.  It also takes the desire to get there.  And the understanding that even when I’m shining boldly and brightly today, there’s always tomorrow to shine more.

Why I practice yoga

23 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Dragon, Forrest, Forrest Yoga, Gratitude, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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#nothingforgranted, Beauty Reports, Dragon, Mending the Hoop, Truth, Yoga

I’m in the middle of a move.  I’d love to be able to snap my fingers, twitch my nose, and be completely done with it.  But I’m not.  I spent yesterday going through things and deciding keep or throw away/donate.  I found in the back of my closet a flannel shirt that belonged to “M.”  There’s a part of me that’s held onto it for reasons like the scene from “Brokeback Mountain.”  After the death of Jack, Ennis keeps a jacket of his in a closet under one of his own shirts and pulls it out missing the man he loved.

I thought that was what I’d do as well.  But to be honest, I haven’t thought much about that shirt for a few years and definitely haven’t been pulling it out.  So I decided to throw it out.  And the waves of sadness, nostalgia, solitude, guilt, anger, and every other grief emotion came up.

I wasn’t sure I would have time to practice but I made time – because yesterday, I needed to get into my body and get back to feeling who I am.  When I got to pigeon on the right side, the tears began to flow.  My right hip is where I carry the strongest attachments to my ex and yesterday they wanted out.  So I let them out.  I cried.  And cried a bit more.  And then sat in silence.  After, I played – because there’s no better way for me to get to my spirit than to play on my hands.

I practice yoga because it continues to save me from myself, from my old patterns, and from those nemesis thoughts.  I practice because I want to stay in feeling and I want to feel from a place of authenticity.  I practice for me.  And there’s no better reason to practice.

Let it go, to let it in

28 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by badyogidc in #nothingforgranted, Beauty Reports, Forrest, Forrest Yoga, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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I had the chance to go play with (aka ‘assist’) Ana and Jose last month.  Something that Ana said during one of our morning practices has been sitting with me and just over month later, it’s resonating and I feel it.

During our pre-class practice, Ana called me out on my lion’s breaths.  She said that I was moving things away from me effectively, but it was the uptick that I wasn’t doing enough. She told me to lion’s breath again, but that time, feel for my inhale.  Holy. Shit.

I’m really good at seeing what doesn’t serve me and working to eliminate it from my habits, my practice, my life.  But where I’ve been failing has been in how do I replace it?  The inhale, after a really big exhale, is even more important.  Can I bring in sweetness/kindness/hope/strength – the opposite of what I’ve just expelled?

I’ve been playing with this an intent in my practice and in my teaching the past few days.  My practice has already begun to evolve from a “race to get there” to more allowing the pose magick to happen.  I think that there are so many layers under letting in and I’m excited to continue feeling for what they reveal.  Where else in my life can I feel for what I bring in and work to bring in Beauty.

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