Category Archives: Mending the Hoop

Strength

20 Thursday Jul 2017

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I stumbled onto something today literally by accident.  On Instagram.  Today in my therapy session, we talked some about why I fear my destiny, my power, my light.  After the session, I sat with it briefly, and decided to write a post on a photo about that fear.

Because we’re all afraid of something.  I’m not talking clowns, zombies, bears, or bugs.  I’m talking something bigger about ourselves that when it hits, literally freezes us in our steps.  For me, the fears typically manifest in some reminder and I avoid being that version of myself.  I think that fearing something about ourselves is a common thing.

I also think it’s a learned behavior.  I fear my light, because when I let myself shine, others see it and take advantage.  I fear my light because it draws attention to the fact that I’m not perfect.  I fear my power because I don’t understand how it works; and I may never understand how it works.  I fear because I was either hurt by someone in the past or because society at large isn’t sure what to do with me.

And that’s all bullshit.  Imagine seeing how brightly you can shine, and then realizing how you shine even brighter.  Imagine owning your gifts, given by a universe that understood you could handle them, and using them to heal – not only yourself but others.  Imagine not being afraid of who you are.  Because that person is you.

I’m in good company.  Ana Forrest’s book, “Fierce Medicine,” starts with the chapter “Stalk you fear: Turning from prey to predator.”  She also very wisely says we should stop trying to slay the dragons and ally with them.

Which I think I finally get.  From our greatest fears, comes our greatest strengths.  When we begin to realize that our strength can pull us over/through/away from our fear, that is when we truly begin to step into our power.  And I for one am ready to step into my power.  Who’s with me?

Sunday musings, #1

11 Sunday Jun 2017

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It’s Sunday, June 11.  This weekend in DC was the official “Pride Weekend.”  And I missed it.  I went to New Haven, CT to spend time as a student of Ana.  I took morning intensives the past three days and I’m going to be honest – they still have the power to shift me into a different place, much like they did when I went through my Forrest Yoga Foundation training in 2014.

As I sit here and begin to process some of the nuggets she gave me; some of the ceremony Jose inspired me with, I realize – pride is something I haven’t really felt in my life.  See, I was raised in a church going, Bible reading family.  When I really began to realize I was gay, I fought it.  I fought myself.  I shunned myself.  Some would say that a portion of my soul was sent away when I turned away from myself.

And I still struggle.  To be honest, I don’t really approve much of organized religions these days.  Mainly because I know what I went through to get where I am right now.  There are moments I still don’t accept myself.  There are moments I still feel less than fully human.

And that’s bullshit.  I am exactly who I was intended to be.  I’ve survived what I’ve survived not because I’m a “sinner” or have a karmic balance to uphold, but because my light, even on its darkest days, outshines my dark.

I interchange the word pride with acceptance.  Because that’s what we’re all seeking.  It’s not about being proudly gay, or proudly straight, or proudly trans….

It’s about being accepted for who I (you) am (are) in that moment in time.

June, Intentions

06 Tuesday Jun 2017

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Wow.  It somehow became June.  I’m a bit is disbelief.  May went by really fast but I learned so much.  And it’s coming back with me in this month’s intentions.

I came back from assisting a training and as is often the case, had a rough time re-establishing a regular schedule, routine, and getting back to my life.  I floundered a few days and then punished myself mentally – to the point that I created a migraine.  There were moments that I knew what was going down and the tail spin was happening.

So this month, I’m returning to me – remembering who I am, where I’m headed, what I want to do, and how I want to be.  Basically the questions of a reporter.  Most important of these is the how – I will be kinder to myself; I will give myself space; I will let steps happen naturally and not force any; and I will be my true self by allowing my light to shine naturally, not forcing it out, and not competing with others.

There’s been a lot of hate, aggression, and all around negative treatment toward others lately.  Kindness, honor, respect start within self and work out from there.  There’s a bigger intention coming in the next few months that ties in with this – I can feel the dragons directing me toward it – but right here, right now, it’s all within myself.  Who wants to play along?

April 2017, intentions

03 Monday Apr 2017

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What am I for?  Can I believe it?

There’s a line from a song that I’m currently obsessed with that, when taken out of context, asks the simple question – what am I for?  And if I knew, could I believe it?  Maybe.

This month, my biggest intention I’m chasing is rediscovering my passions.  I teach yoga – I love teaching yoga.  I get to play in a week with one of my best friends when he comes to the States, I’m assisting Ana Forrest this month, and then I get to play more with Jambo.  When I’m around people that love their craft and students as much as Ana, Jose, and Jambo, it’s so inspirational.  I think I get bonus time with Brian and Szilvia, who always seem to be exactly what I need them to be in that moment.  It’s a good month to rediscover.

But I’m also taking action outside of yoga.  I’m back playing softball.  We had a practice yesterday.  While it was completely obvious I haven’t played in two years, I got some of the rust off – and hung out with some really amazing friends.  My rediscovery – connection.

I’m cooking one “extravagant” meal a month.  Just for me.  I love to cook and love to bake.  And while I cook most meals, I don’t go “balls to the wall” cooking anymore.  You know those recipes – they challenge us; they could go bad; and I might eat take out.  But cooking is meditative for me and I want to spend a few meal times making it more ceremonial.

I’m a healer.  I can say that now and believe it most moments.  Part of healing is understanding that I still get to work on myself.  Most specifically, I have some issues where my tendencies don’t serve and it’s in those spots I want to stalk in my body, find where they live, and learn to work with them.  I may end up removing them altogether but that’s the discovery.

Stepping into my biggest, my brightest, my best self takes time.  Awareness.  Authenticity.  Spirit.  It also takes the desire to get there.  And the understanding that even when I’m shining boldly and brightly today, there’s always tomorrow to shine more.

Why I practice yoga

23 Thursday Mar 2017

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I’m in the middle of a move.  I’d love to be able to snap my fingers, twitch my nose, and be completely done with it.  But I’m not.  I spent yesterday going through things and deciding keep or throw away/donate.  I found in the back of my closet a flannel shirt that belonged to “M.”  There’s a part of me that’s held onto it for reasons like the scene from “Brokeback Mountain.”  After the death of Jack, Ennis keeps a jacket of his in a closet under one of his own shirts and pulls it out missing the man he loved.

I thought that was what I’d do as well.  But to be honest, I haven’t thought much about that shirt for a few years and definitely haven’t been pulling it out.  So I decided to throw it out.  And the waves of sadness, nostalgia, solitude, guilt, anger, and every other grief emotion came up.

I wasn’t sure I would have time to practice but I made time – because yesterday, I needed to get into my body and get back to feeling who I am.  When I got to pigeon on the right side, the tears began to flow.  My right hip is where I carry the strongest attachments to my ex and yesterday they wanted out.  So I let them out.  I cried.  And cried a bit more.  And then sat in silence.  After, I played – because there’s no better way for me to get to my spirit than to play on my hands.

I practice yoga because it continues to save me from myself, from my old patterns, and from those nemesis thoughts.  I practice because I want to stay in feeling and I want to feel from a place of authenticity.  I practice for me.  And there’s no better reason to practice.

March, Intention

03 Friday Mar 2017

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Wow.  It’s March already.  Not only that but I’m three days in.  My intention this month has been forming for a few weeks now, it hasn’t completely landed but it’s here.  So away I go…

During the Forrest Foundation training, we are introduced to our “future selves.”  It’s who we are X number of years down the road.  It’s where we are in life.  It’s how we act, walk, talk, carry ourselves.  It was me, but only future me.  I won’t say where in time my future self was because that feels like cheating him in some way.  But he’s out there, waiting.

In January, working with Ana in Monterrey, MX, she uttered the absolutely true words “Aren’t you sick of dealing with those *nemesis thoughts?”  And then gave me one of the best compliments I’ve ever received.  In January, I was sick of those thoughts.  On March 1, I followed them.  During a practice that started when I doubted a decision I made, it all came up.  I stayed with it though.  I kept activating my feet; I kept my breath; when my instinct to run or crack a joke kicked in — I stayed.  And I learned so much.

This month, I want to stay present.  I want to feel, not only myself but those around me.  I want to connect – in real life – with students/friends/family and not via text.  I want to step into this version of myself I know is already inside of me.  I’m taking those steps now.   I’ve deleted apps from my phone that keep me on my phone and not in life.  I’m working toward calling over texting.  I’m stepping into life.

I’m also not afraid.  My friend, mentor, Forrest Teacher, studio owner AD gave me a pink dragon vein agate mala last year.  I don’t wear it often.  That particular stone amplifies the ability to manifest.  I’m already really good at manifesting things.  I have never wanted to manifest something accidentally.  But I’m wearing it more.  I’m holding it.  Because if I’m the best version of myself, I’m only manifesting good things to come.  And if I manifest good things to come, I’m getting stronger, happier, more confident.

This month, my intention is to not dim out, to not hide, and to not play coy.  I’m a fucking dragon.  I don’t need to roar.  But I will.

*Nemesis thoughts are those that are on replay in our heads, taking us down, telling us we’re not good enough, strong enough, etc.

Let it go, to let it in

28 Tuesday Feb 2017

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I had the chance to go play with (aka ‘assist’) Ana and Jose last month.  Something that Ana said during one of our morning practices has been sitting with me and just over month later, it’s resonating and I feel it.

During our pre-class practice, Ana called me out on my lion’s breaths.  She said that I was moving things away from me effectively, but it was the uptick that I wasn’t doing enough. She told me to lion’s breath again, but that time, feel for my inhale.  Holy. Shit.

I’m really good at seeing what doesn’t serve me and working to eliminate it from my habits, my practice, my life.  But where I’ve been failing has been in how do I replace it?  The inhale, after a really big exhale, is even more important.  Can I bring in sweetness/kindness/hope/strength – the opposite of what I’ve just expelled?

I’ve been playing with this an intent in my practice and in my teaching the past few days.  My practice has already begun to evolve from a “race to get there” to more allowing the pose magick to happen.  I think that there are so many layers under letting in and I’m excited to continue feeling for what they reveal.  Where else in my life can I feel for what I bring in and work to bring in Beauty.

Truth Speak – 02/03/17

03 Friday Feb 2017

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I’m pretty sure we all suffer from them.  And when they hit us, we feel blindsided.  They are our nemesis thoughts.  The asshole critic that lives in our own head.  That never shuts up.  My critic, my nemesis thoughts, get more aggressive, more ugly, more hateful when I ignore them.  They spiral out of control.  They break my spirit.  Dim my light.  I’m sick of them.

Today on my mat, in a practice that I thought would feel good in my body and wouldn’t bring up much of anything, a few of these thoughts came up.  I felt them hit my body full force.  I stopped my practice.  I wasted some time by drinking some tea.  I almost gave up.

But I didn’t.  In a very brief moment, the voice of Ana Forrest snuck in.  She saw me.  And she reminded me that I learned a long time ago that those thoughts are lies.  To jump on a popular hashtag, they are #alternativefacts.

In Forrest Yoga, we teach to an apex pose – it’s the pose in the sequence that we warm the body up for, work on opening and creating space for, and is the “most advanced” pose of class.  My apex today was staying on my mat.  That one brief respite when Ana very much spoke the exact opposite of my nemesis gave me the courage to say those words for myself.  I cried.  And I tried to not cry.  But I cried more.

My apex today was showing up for myself.  Because I’m worth it.  Because my students are worth it.  My teacher is worth it.  My friends/family are worth.  I will continue to show up.  I will have my moments where my nemesis thought is loud, abrasive, ugly.  But someone, in that moment, will sneak into my mind and remind me – the toughest work is often done with another.  And I am not alone.

***I film practices to take pictures from often; I take pictures throughout practice.  This picture is that moment when the thought landed.  When I thought I wasn’t worth ….

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February, 2017

01 Wednesday Feb 2017

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Welcome to February.  My monthly intentions are still circling, they haven’t landed, but I definitely have some things I want to work with this month.  I’ve also added to my initial intention setting question.  While I feel for “who do I want to be on the last day of the month,” I’ve added a few additional phrases to help me shape my path – How do I become my biggest, my brightest, my best self?

With all of that, the word “healing” is pulling me in.  Healing.  For myself.  My students.  My community.  It can be a scary path – this whole stepping into and out for healing.  But in my core, in my cell tissue, I think we’re all worth it.  I’m a work in progress; so are these intentions.  Feel free to play along, to share your own.  Ask yourself that question.  Biggest.  Brightest.  Best self.

As a yoga teacher and healer, I commit to holding space.  For everyone.  Time on the mat is time to connect more deeply, more authentically with self.  I will honor this for every class, every student.  I will see you and I will not look away.  I want you to see me too.  We are same – human.  And there is much healing to be had from that alone.

I will see myself in all of my brightness, my scars, my hopes, my dark.  I am worth it.  So are you.  How can we honestly say we have come so far if we still refuse to see who we are? We cannot nor should we deny what we’ve come through.  But we should own up – take some pride even – in what we’ve accomplished.

I will act with kindness as my guide.  I will feel more.  And let others know how deeply I feel.  I will stand with everyone energetically – even if I cannot physically.  We stand together, or we pull ourselves apart.  I choose to stand.

I’m feeling pulled to be quiet – observing by seeing, hearing, feeling more.  I don’t know what that really means.  But for me, it’s a time to reflect on how I can give back, how can I be of service.  How can my healing story help yours.  And yours help mine.

We are same.  Human.

 

Breathe into your …

26 Thursday Jan 2017

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I taught a class this morning.  And I did what I thought at the time was a Freudian slip…as the class was in pigeon, I used the cue “Inhale into the suffering.”  I quickly tried to correct to softening but the class wasn’t convinced.  We had a laugh, moved on with class, and it sat with me.

Because we’ve been taught that we should just pull the boots up and deal with our suffering.  That we should put blinders on and not see the pain.  Because we take (insert drug/drink legal or not here) in efforts to try and smooth the edges.  Why?

Because for what ever reason, we’ve been taught by the powers that be that only positive emotions are to be felt and are to be shared.  Have you ever had a shitty day, downloaded on a close friend/family member, and had the words “get over it” uttered your direction?  We don’t want to see or commiserate with another person’s rough spots.

That though is when we need to be seen and heard the most.  When we are the most vulnerable, we need others.  When we show empathy, we heal a part of ourselves that has been broken.  When we stand together, we realize that we won’t fall apart.