Category Archives: Gratitude

Who do I want to be?

19 Wednesday Jun 2019

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What a question, huh?  At the end of the day, who I am?  What am I known for?  How do I cultivate that now?

I had a tarot reading today.  I spilled my guts on love, on teaching, on studio stuff.  I joked that I didn’t have a question, but that if I did, it wasn’t yes/no.  The reading was POWERFUL.  My key take away – believe in myself; believe in my magick; change the world.  Easy peezy.

I’ve spend most of my life not really believing in me, not knowing my power, not knowing the why.  The answer has been showing itself repeatedly over the past few months.  But it took today’s reading to shake it to my core.

When I breathe into what came up, I feel really big.  Like, REALLY BIG.  I feel brighter than I’ve ever shown.  And I understand that my flaws are part of my journey – so why should I try and be perfect when the universe knows I’m not.

I’m sitting tonight with a few believers in me when I didn’t think I was worthy.  Code names in effect, but I’m pretty sure they can figure it out.

To the teacher, the mentor, the friend, the brother that’s been with me through lifetimes – I’m so sorry for being a pain in your ass.  You are the best gift that the universe has gifted me.  And while we come from different dragon lineages, we are same in the fundamental dragon spirit – if we don’t love ourselves, we cannot love anyone.  I can’t wait to spend hours laughing about everything with you in person again.  And feeding our spirits in ways that we don’t realize we need.

To the teacher that said words of kindness to me about the integrity and vision I hold for Dragon’s Breath Yoga – I don’t have the words yet.  They have yet to be discovered.  But thank you for “digging my energy” and holding that space in your heart while you explored the world.

To the teacher that said “yes” before I said anything about DBY – I’m proud of you.  So.  Proud.  We change the world when we change ourself. And I’m honored to have served as guide for part of your journey.

To the best friend that wasn’t mean’t to be – we came from differing views.  But at the end of the day we both had a realization that without others, we are nothing.  For quite some time, I’ve called you my best friend.  We aren’t friends,  We are Warrior siblings.  And I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have by my side.

To the student that plots, schemes, attends classes, wants more, asks the hard questions, wants to self improve – quite a few fall into this one.  I see you.  You see me.  It’s a step toward now that we all get to do.

To Baxter, the bulldog I had – I can’t thank you enough for keeping me from not killing myself.  Your daily need for walks, for affection, for play held me on this planet in some really dark moments.

For DC, the cat that chose me – your magick runs through my veins.

And to Beatrix – the current bulldog.  Love isn’t one sided; it doesn’t hold a grudge.  Love is in the amazing uptake of the moment.  While I think you’re growing too fast, I am up-taking EVERY FUCKING MOMENT you crawl into my lap while I meditate and hoping they last that much longer.

 

June, ’19 Intention

01 Saturday Jun 2019

Posted by in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Dragon, Gratitude, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons, Mending the Hoop, Truth

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It’s been entirely too long since I’ve written.  I’d really like to work on that.  I’m taking a “public reset” of sorts though and committing to sharing my journey through the month of June here.  Before I share what I’m working on, a quick catch up.

  • I bought a yoga studio in DC last year – Dragon’s Breath Yoga is located in Columbia Heights and it’s been amazing!
  • I adopted a bulldog puppy in April – Beatrix.  She’s amazing.

Enough of that.

I’m bringing back an old intention or two.  Who do I want to be on June 30?  And the better question, HOW do I want to be?  It’s the how I’m working on – and I think the who will fall into place on its own.

I want to be kinder, both to myself and to others.  I want to discover more about what love is to me and to others.  I want to build community in ways that create space for everyone, challenge each of us to break out of our old patterns, and help us each to step into our own greatness.

I’m questing for healing – myself, my friends, my community – and part of that quest is to dive deeper into those areas I’m still broken, lost, confused, detached.  I’m also going to attempt to blog about my adventures here daily and share videos on Instagram daily (@badyogidc) as well.  If there’s a topic you want my two cents on, let me know.

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November, 2017 – Intention

01 Wednesday Nov 2017

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Every month, on the first of the month, I sit in mediation and ask myself the question “Who do I want to be when the month ends?”   This month, the question changed slightly and I think it’s indicative of my path forward.  Today, the question that came up was “How do I want to be?”

It’s a subtle shift.  But one that energetically already is landing through my cell tissue.  Who I want to be is a great place to be, but if we look around at the levels of distrust, lack of connection, the way we speak to each other (in person and online), and other things, it’s a shape shifter.

I want to be better.  Not in the arrogance approach to being better.  But as a human.  I want to see people where they are and accept them there.  I want to be joyful.  I want to be honest, with others and most importantly with myself.  I want to be grateful and to express gratitude more frequently.  I want to act in a manner that draws people in, rather than turning them away.  I want to be loving.  Compassionate.  Kind.  I want to be hopeful.  I want to shine brighter through the darkness.  I want to be.

While it’ll be a journey and a I’ll definitely have setbacks (let’s face it, I’m still snarky), I think it’ll be overall healing.  For myself.  For my students.  For friends and for family.  Who’s in?

October, 2017 – Intention

03 Tuesday Oct 2017

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Look at me, being all productive putting this out there only three days into the month.  I just finished assisting the Forrest Yoga Foundation training.  And I have so many takeaways and learnings that I still need to process/put into action.  So this month, I’ll focus on the uptake.  I haven’t necessarily excelled at the uptake; in fact, I may have a slight reputation for going hard/fast to get things accomplished.  Ana pointed this out to me in January of this year to uptake the Beauty, the nourishment, the joy, the healing in yoga poses.  But I’m also taking that off the mat and into life.

So here are some things I’m bringing from last month to this month.  And there will more than likely be pieces of the puzzle added.

I push myself hard, process things quickly as a need to prove myself.  Which is absolutely stupid.  I am the only me on this planet, therefore no one else can or should be on the exact same identical path.  That need to prove comes from a place of seeking validation that I matter.  So I’m going to uptake my own worth, my value, that I am enough.

If you read back through my blog, you know Baxter transitioned last year.  I feel his spirit around me quite frequently.  But apparently, he’s with me even when I don’t feel him.  And his lesson to me – love.  It’s that absolute, authentic love that we all strive to discover.  When Mike died, I very specifically remember saying the phrase “I can never hurt like this again.”  Not knowing at that point the power and magick in those words.  It’s been five years, a lot of therapy, a lot of processing, so much learning, feeling, and so many breaths into my heart, but it’s happening.  The shields have almost all dropped.  My heart that was in a box wants to come out to play and dance.  So I’m uptaking that sensation – wanting to live and to love again.

I have a few more things I’m taking away, but for here/now, this is what I’m feeling this month.  Feel free to uptake along!

July Intention – Show Up.

03 Monday Jul 2017

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June quite frankly went by incredibly too fast.  And for whatever reason, many of my old demons and thought patterns surfaced.  Honestly, I stumbled.  I compared myself to others, I compared to this “expectation” of where I should be, and I let those win.  I don’t know if I really even fought back.

This month, with a new focus, new drive, I’m showing up for myself.  When those moments pop up, I won’t vacate, but I’ll feel them out, sit with them, and work on becoming a stronger version of myself.  I’ll listen to and honor the requests my body, my mind, and my spirit want.

There are two phrases that come up frequently in my life.  The first: Dedicate yourself to the effort.  Change, growth, evolution – they don’t just happen.  When we learn something new, we get better with time and practice.  That’s the path we’re all (I’m) on; it’s not a quick fix overnight, I’ve made tremendous progress, but I still have areas to improve.

The other phrase: There is a time and a place for everything. This is my time.  This is my place.

Because my future starts now.

Sunday musings, #1

11 Sunday Jun 2017

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It’s Sunday, June 11.  This weekend in DC was the official “Pride Weekend.”  And I missed it.  I went to New Haven, CT to spend time as a student of Ana.  I took morning intensives the past three days and I’m going to be honest – they still have the power to shift me into a different place, much like they did when I went through my Forrest Yoga Foundation training in 2014.

As I sit here and begin to process some of the nuggets she gave me; some of the ceremony Jose inspired me with, I realize – pride is something I haven’t really felt in my life.  See, I was raised in a church going, Bible reading family.  When I really began to realize I was gay, I fought it.  I fought myself.  I shunned myself.  Some would say that a portion of my soul was sent away when I turned away from myself.

And I still struggle.  To be honest, I don’t really approve much of organized religions these days.  Mainly because I know what I went through to get where I am right now.  There are moments I still don’t accept myself.  There are moments I still feel less than fully human.

And that’s bullshit.  I am exactly who I was intended to be.  I’ve survived what I’ve survived not because I’m a “sinner” or have a karmic balance to uphold, but because my light, even on its darkest days, outshines my dark.

I interchange the word pride with acceptance.  Because that’s what we’re all seeking.  It’s not about being proudly gay, or proudly straight, or proudly trans….

It’s about being accepted for who I (you) am (are) in that moment in time.

Why I practice yoga

23 Thursday Mar 2017

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I’m in the middle of a move.  I’d love to be able to snap my fingers, twitch my nose, and be completely done with it.  But I’m not.  I spent yesterday going through things and deciding keep or throw away/donate.  I found in the back of my closet a flannel shirt that belonged to “M.”  There’s a part of me that’s held onto it for reasons like the scene from “Brokeback Mountain.”  After the death of Jack, Ennis keeps a jacket of his in a closet under one of his own shirts and pulls it out missing the man he loved.

I thought that was what I’d do as well.  But to be honest, I haven’t thought much about that shirt for a few years and definitely haven’t been pulling it out.  So I decided to throw it out.  And the waves of sadness, nostalgia, solitude, guilt, anger, and every other grief emotion came up.

I wasn’t sure I would have time to practice but I made time – because yesterday, I needed to get into my body and get back to feeling who I am.  When I got to pigeon on the right side, the tears began to flow.  My right hip is where I carry the strongest attachments to my ex and yesterday they wanted out.  So I let them out.  I cried.  And cried a bit more.  And then sat in silence.  After, I played – because there’s no better way for me to get to my spirit than to play on my hands.

I practice yoga because it continues to save me from myself, from my old patterns, and from those nemesis thoughts.  I practice because I want to stay in feeling and I want to feel from a place of authenticity.  I practice for me.  And there’s no better reason to practice.

Why I (still) teach, 01/24/17

24 Tuesday Jan 2017

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I’ve had this as a blog post before, but as I said then – I think it’s important for teachers to revisit.  If you’re a teacher reading this blog, your turn.

I teach yoga because I’m still in love with the power of yoga to change lives.  I see it happen every fucking day.  I feel it happen every day in my own life.  There’s the obvious power on the mat, when we suddenly realize our own ability and take strides toward a pose that had previously intimidated.  I have moments off the mat when I’m reminded my breath, my strength, my power, and my worth all start with “my.”

I teach because I’m a student.  I want to learn.  From my teachers.  From my students.  From my friends.  I take every interaction in and process it because I’ve got a hunch – and pretty much always right – that there’s a nugget of wisdom in there.  And I want that wisdom.

But most importantly, I teach for my students.  They are the absolute ultimate reason I get up in the front of the room  Their commitment to being the best versions of themselves on the mat is inspiring; it’s humbling; it challenges me to be better.  Not because I want it.  But because they deserve it.

I got a gift of journals from a student.  As a “bad yogi,” I literally waited until today to open.  Not realizing there was a card inside.  I told you, bad yogi.  Quite frankly, her (BB) card to me reminded me why I teach – connection.  I see her weekly.  More than once most weeks.  And every time I am interested in her life; she (I hope) is interested in mine.  But we see each other.  We don’t look away.  And we support each other for what may lie ahead.

I teach yoga.  It’s my passion.  It’s my calling.  The universe has made it clear my direction.  I teach yoga because every day I want to become a better version of myself.  And I need someone to hold my hand so I won’t drift away.

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Intention setting

01 Thursday Sep 2016

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It’s September 1.  And a new moon.  And a lunar eclipse apparently.  Basically, a really powerful time to set a really strong, really life-changing intention.  But why?  Aren’t intentions reserved for the yoga mat or New Year’s?  And don’t they normally relate to tapping into inner strength that we didn’t know we had?  Maybe.

I set a monthly intention.  That intention may or may not include an on the mat time intention.  The first of every month, I pause and I reflect/feel my way – where have I come?  and where do I want to go?  A monthly intent is literally the opportunity for me to become or step closer to becoming the person I think I should be.  Some months, the steps are small.  Others, they’re a bit bigger.

This month, I want to work with gratitude.  Not taking for granted moments of Beauty.  Understanding every day that I am one lucky man – my career is what I love and I know I’m lucky.  I’ve had the jobs previously that I did because they paid the bills or I liked my co-workers.  This one, this teaching yoga, everything about it I love.  So I’m stepping into a version of myself that sees.  That understands.  And that feels.

I’m surrounded every day by people that choose to take class with me.  I get to pull my own mat out and work on poses or issues that have been coming up for me.  And I get to call myself a yogi.  To be honest, I don’t know exactly what it means most days but I get that it means I’m going to treat myself respectfully and treat you the same.  If you follow me on any social media, expect a lot of thankful posts.  If you don’t follow me, um,,,,,@badyogidc on Twitter and Instagram.  And I encourage you to play along…what are you thankful for? Every. Fucking. Day.  As in, look for things that make you light up.  That’s my month ahead.  Consider this – challenge thrown.  Will you accept?

Homecoming

11 Monday Jul 2016

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No, it’s not me going back to my high school or college.  But where my life was so incredibly changed.

I leave in a few hours for my return to Peterborough, UK.  I completed my Forrest Yoga Foundation Training there two years ago.  I can’t believe it’s been only two years – I feel so incredibly different than when I started this journey.  I’m assisting my second Foundation training led by Ana Forrest and including assistants that assisted my training.  This feels like my family.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my family with all my heart.  They have been there for me in ways that I am forever grateful.  But this group – Ana, Jose, Sandra, Jambo, Sita, and Ros – they’ve seen me through my shit.  And I cannot wait for the moment I’m able to pull each of them in my arms and thank them.

I’m working in my own little corner to Mend the Hoop of the People.  And I’ve realized that Hoop Mending begins with myself – and from there, I can help students, friends, teachers, and other to feel their own strength within, to lift their heads, and to face the world in the security that I’m there next to them; and they are next to me.

Homecoming.  It’s about reconnecting.  It’s about love.  And it’s about celebrating every moment our paths cross.