Category Archives: Gratitude

July Intention – Show Up.

03 Monday Jul 2017

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June quite frankly went by incredibly too fast.  And for whatever reason, many of my old demons and thought patterns surfaced.  Honestly, I stumbled.  I compared myself to others, I compared to this “expectation” of where I should be, and I let those win.  I don’t know if I really even fought back.

This month, with a new focus, new drive, I’m showing up for myself.  When those moments pop up, I won’t vacate, but I’ll feel them out, sit with them, and work on becoming a stronger version of myself.  I’ll listen to and honor the requests my body, my mind, and my spirit want.

There are two phrases that come up frequently in my life.  The first: Dedicate yourself to the effort.  Change, growth, evolution – they don’t just happen.  When we learn something new, we get better with time and practice.  That’s the path we’re all (I’m) on; it’s not a quick fix overnight, I’ve made tremendous progress, but I still have areas to improve.

The other phrase: There is a time and a place for everything. This is my time.  This is my place.

Because my future starts now.

Sunday musings, #1

11 Sunday Jun 2017

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It’s Sunday, June 11.  This weekend in DC was the official “Pride Weekend.”  And I missed it.  I went to New Haven, CT to spend time as a student of Ana.  I took morning intensives the past three days and I’m going to be honest – they still have the power to shift me into a different place, much like they did when I went through my Forrest Yoga Foundation training in 2014.

As I sit here and begin to process some of the nuggets she gave me; some of the ceremony Jose inspired me with, I realize – pride is something I haven’t really felt in my life.  See, I was raised in a church going, Bible reading family.  When I really began to realize I was gay, I fought it.  I fought myself.  I shunned myself.  Some would say that a portion of my soul was sent away when I turned away from myself.

And I still struggle.  To be honest, I don’t really approve much of organized religions these days.  Mainly because I know what I went through to get where I am right now.  There are moments I still don’t accept myself.  There are moments I still feel less than fully human.

And that’s bullshit.  I am exactly who I was intended to be.  I’ve survived what I’ve survived not because I’m a “sinner” or have a karmic balance to uphold, but because my light, even on its darkest days, outshines my dark.

I interchange the word pride with acceptance.  Because that’s what we’re all seeking.  It’s not about being proudly gay, or proudly straight, or proudly trans….

It’s about being accepted for who I (you) am (are) in that moment in time.

Why I practice yoga

23 Thursday Mar 2017

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I’m in the middle of a move.  I’d love to be able to snap my fingers, twitch my nose, and be completely done with it.  But I’m not.  I spent yesterday going through things and deciding keep or throw away/donate.  I found in the back of my closet a flannel shirt that belonged to “M.”  There’s a part of me that’s held onto it for reasons like the scene from “Brokeback Mountain.”  After the death of Jack, Ennis keeps a jacket of his in a closet under one of his own shirts and pulls it out missing the man he loved.

I thought that was what I’d do as well.  But to be honest, I haven’t thought much about that shirt for a few years and definitely haven’t been pulling it out.  So I decided to throw it out.  And the waves of sadness, nostalgia, solitude, guilt, anger, and every other grief emotion came up.

I wasn’t sure I would have time to practice but I made time – because yesterday, I needed to get into my body and get back to feeling who I am.  When I got to pigeon on the right side, the tears began to flow.  My right hip is where I carry the strongest attachments to my ex and yesterday they wanted out.  So I let them out.  I cried.  And cried a bit more.  And then sat in silence.  After, I played – because there’s no better way for me to get to my spirit than to play on my hands.

I practice yoga because it continues to save me from myself, from my old patterns, and from those nemesis thoughts.  I practice because I want to stay in feeling and I want to feel from a place of authenticity.  I practice for me.  And there’s no better reason to practice.

Why I (still) teach, 01/24/17

24 Tuesday Jan 2017

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I’ve had this as a blog post before, but as I said then – I think it’s important for teachers to revisit.  If you’re a teacher reading this blog, your turn.

I teach yoga because I’m still in love with the power of yoga to change lives.  I see it happen every fucking day.  I feel it happen every day in my own life.  There’s the obvious power on the mat, when we suddenly realize our own ability and take strides toward a pose that had previously intimidated.  I have moments off the mat when I’m reminded my breath, my strength, my power, and my worth all start with “my.”

I teach because I’m a student.  I want to learn.  From my teachers.  From my students.  From my friends.  I take every interaction in and process it because I’ve got a hunch – and pretty much always right – that there’s a nugget of wisdom in there.  And I want that wisdom.

But most importantly, I teach for my students.  They are the absolute ultimate reason I get up in the front of the room  Their commitment to being the best versions of themselves on the mat is inspiring; it’s humbling; it challenges me to be better.  Not because I want it.  But because they deserve it.

I got a gift of journals from a student.  As a “bad yogi,” I literally waited until today to open.  Not realizing there was a card inside.  I told you, bad yogi.  Quite frankly, her (BB) card to me reminded me why I teach – connection.  I see her weekly.  More than once most weeks.  And every time I am interested in her life; she (I hope) is interested in mine.  But we see each other.  We don’t look away.  And we support each other for what may lie ahead.

I teach yoga.  It’s my passion.  It’s my calling.  The universe has made it clear my direction.  I teach yoga because every day I want to become a better version of myself.  And I need someone to hold my hand so I won’t drift away.

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Intention setting

01 Thursday Sep 2016

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It’s September 1.  And a new moon.  And a lunar eclipse apparently.  Basically, a really powerful time to set a really strong, really life-changing intention.  But why?  Aren’t intentions reserved for the yoga mat or New Year’s?  And don’t they normally relate to tapping into inner strength that we didn’t know we had?  Maybe.

I set a monthly intention.  That intention may or may not include an on the mat time intention.  The first of every month, I pause and I reflect/feel my way – where have I come?  and where do I want to go?  A monthly intent is literally the opportunity for me to become or step closer to becoming the person I think I should be.  Some months, the steps are small.  Others, they’re a bit bigger.

This month, I want to work with gratitude.  Not taking for granted moments of Beauty.  Understanding every day that I am one lucky man – my career is what I love and I know I’m lucky.  I’ve had the jobs previously that I did because they paid the bills or I liked my co-workers.  This one, this teaching yoga, everything about it I love.  So I’m stepping into a version of myself that sees.  That understands.  And that feels.

I’m surrounded every day by people that choose to take class with me.  I get to pull my own mat out and work on poses or issues that have been coming up for me.  And I get to call myself a yogi.  To be honest, I don’t know exactly what it means most days but I get that it means I’m going to treat myself respectfully and treat you the same.  If you follow me on any social media, expect a lot of thankful posts.  If you don’t follow me, um,,,,,@badyogidc on Twitter and Instagram.  And I encourage you to play along…what are you thankful for? Every. Fucking. Day.  As in, look for things that make you light up.  That’s my month ahead.  Consider this – challenge thrown.  Will you accept?

Homecoming

11 Monday Jul 2016

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No, it’s not me going back to my high school or college.  But where my life was so incredibly changed.

I leave in a few hours for my return to Peterborough, UK.  I completed my Forrest Yoga Foundation Training there two years ago.  I can’t believe it’s been only two years – I feel so incredibly different than when I started this journey.  I’m assisting my second Foundation training led by Ana Forrest and including assistants that assisted my training.  This feels like my family.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my family with all my heart.  They have been there for me in ways that I am forever grateful.  But this group – Ana, Jose, Sandra, Jambo, Sita, and Ros – they’ve seen me through my shit.  And I cannot wait for the moment I’m able to pull each of them in my arms and thank them.

I’m working in my own little corner to Mend the Hoop of the People.  And I’ve realized that Hoop Mending begins with myself – and from there, I can help students, friends, teachers, and other to feel their own strength within, to lift their heads, and to face the world in the security that I’m there next to them; and they are next to me.

Homecoming.  It’s about reconnecting.  It’s about love.  And it’s about celebrating every moment our paths cross.

Let it go

06 Wednesday Jul 2016

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I’ve been quiet this past week, going inside, feeling my feels, and letting others shield me for me.  To catch you up, I had to let go of my best friend and bulldog Baxter one week ago today.  The cancer began to show definite signs it was winning.  He wasn’t suffering, he was growing weaker, and I didn’t want the suffering to begin.  I was able to spend the day with him – loving him, taking his love in, and honoring the amazing dog that he was.  The final moments of his life were filled with love and Beauty.

In his loss, I’ve been working on a really quite difficult version of gratitude – grateful for the years that I had with him and grateful we shared that time, thereby letting him go in love.  It’s hard, I’m not going to lie.  In letting go, we typically want to be selfish and keep that which we cherish near us.  Letting go with gratitude allows us to let go of what we love and hold tight to the memories filled with love.

I had another moment of letting go in gratitude today that reminded me of this work.  I lost a $20 bill.  It fell out of my pocket somewhere between the store and home.  When I realized it wasn’t in my pocket, my first thought was “Well, shit.”

But then I said a prayer.  I asked the Sacred Ones to guide that $20 to someone that needs the money more than I or to someone that is feeling down on their luck and needed a change of tide.  In that moment, with that simple prayer, I let go of Baxter.  I fully gave his amazing spirit over to the universe to use – he was love and his spirit in the plane he reincarnates will be love again.  Giving someone somewhere joy – much like the joy he gave to me.

Beauty, for the beholder

16 Tuesday Feb 2016

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Today was one of those days for me.  I was in it.  Though I’m not sure what “it” was.  I was irritable, borderline grumpy to pissed off; I couldn’t focus; my motivation was next to none; and I only wanted to hide in my apartment with my dog.  My day on Tuesday’s ends with a Forrest Yoga class that I love to teach but tonight – before heading to teach, I struggled with finding an intention for the class that resonated with me.

I flipped through “Fierce Medicine.”  I listened to Brene Brown.  And still had nothing that felt right.  As I was commuting to class, with my music on shuffle play, the universe started pointing.  Songs about love, one after another, came into the playing field.  I’ve come to understand when the universe talks to stop and listen so I did.  And still, nothing.

When I got to the studio, the pieces of the puzzle started coming together.  I remembered a line in Ana’s book about our hands being the direct connection to our heart.  Brene spoke about when we show our vulnerability, it’s beautiful.  And then,,,,well, then I saw my day.

Baxter wanted a second walk this morning.  While it took me away from other things I could work on and in the moment I was frustrated, it’s little moments with him that I have left that he shows me happiness.  As I was walking to my noon class, a heron flew over me and I was lucky enough to look up this gracefully majestic bird.  I had lunch with an amazing friend, who, in all of her greatness, went even further beyond the call and made Baxter treats.  And me homemade oreos.  My practice tonight was interesting.  I struggled finding a direction for and even gravity surfing couldn’t light up, caused me to be quiet.  Which I don’t do often.  Each of these moments is a reflection of love in my life.  And for having so much love, I am incredibly fortunate.

My learning – the universe shows us Beauty every day.  On our good days.  On our bad days.  And it’s when we choose to see the Beauty, that the day is changed from bad to good.

Truth Speak, 2

03 Wednesday Feb 2016

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A continuation of me, speaking my truth of what’s happening in my life, on my mat, in my teaching, and other observations.  I’m never sure where my spirit will lead, but it’s leading.  Enjoy.

Death.  It has a funny way of putting things into perspective.  And as I prepare to say goodbye to Baxter, the last death in my life of someone so close keeps popping up.  And I’m already seeing the differences.  With Mike, I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.  I spoke to him and the same night, he was gone.  I didn’t get a chance to grieve him either. Situations as they were, the traumatic nature of his death, sent his family and I into a tailspin.  A month after his death, on a bench at the top of a mountain overlooking the ocean, with one of my sisters in tow, I mourned.  I cried.  I sat in silence.

With Baxter, I’m preparing.  Pretty sure he’s getting sick of me giving him hugs and kisses when I walk past him, scratching his chin, or doing other annoying things that wake him up.  I’m also remembering a few things about life in general, and it’s from this that my truth comes.

Relationships are important.  They. Are. Crucial.  Read those three words again with that emphasis.  We can isolate all day long but if we don’t acknowledge and support other people, then what are we as a species?  As a Forrest Yoga teacher, I’m called upon to do my part to mend the Hoop of the People.  I’ve always taken it seriously but it has a different priority now.  I want to see people, to be seen by people, and to help people see each other.  Not an easy task.

I’m also remembering something about myself.  I have worth.  A lot of worth.  And I think everyone else does too.  I spoke the truth to someone yesterday and that person hasn’t contacted me since – my truth was simply that I deserved honesty.  Because I do.  While I may have lost a friend, I gained strength.  The power of speaking that truth carried me through the day to my evening class.  And I set the intention to find the truth within each of our spirits.

I also ended class with Beauty.  I had the class in a seeing circle.  To look around, silently acknowledge the beautiful practice of their peers, and to then go inside and honor their own as well.  There was power in that moment.  There was unity.  And an unspoken commitment to hold and support each other.  Because we’re human.  We are a species divided.  But it’s time we unite and learn we have so much strength.

He saved my life

31 Sunday Jan 2016

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This will be a rough posting to write.  And potentially hard to read.  But it’s my truth.  Where I am right now.  It needs to be heard.

As I sit here Sunday morning, the city is quiet, snow is melting, birds flying around.  Baxter, my companion, best friend, and bulldog, is lying on his blanket.  Dying.  Friday morning we played in the snow, sniffed other dogs, and had a nice day leading up to the nap.  From which he woke up different.  Off kilter.  Not right. His vet saw something in an X-ray that raised concern.  So off to another vet, with access to an ultrasound, we went.  Baxter stayed with them Friday night and Saturday morning, the ultrasound was completed.

A tumor sitting on his spleen.  Most likely malignant.  With surgery, he gets 1-3 months; with chemo 3-6.  Without, he has days.  Maybe hours.  Because bulldogs have a higher complication list from surgery and he’s lived 10 amazing years, I brought him home.  I pulled his futon mattress onto the floor and there we spent the night, watching netflix, drinking wine (me, not him), and scratching/kissing/licking each other often.  He made it through the night.  But he knows.

People frequently say how a pet saved their life.  For Baxter and me, he did.  When my ex, Mike, died suddenly, my life went into this crazy tailspin and to a really dark place.  I didn’t know how to breathe, to eat, to move, to be in the world.  But I did have a bulldog.  Who every morning woke me at the same time daily with a nose in my face and a snort of impatience.  His morning walk was the only reason I got out of bed for the first months.  If not for him, the covers would have been pulled up higher and I would have retreated more.  It was during those walks I began to realize – the sun still rose in the East; birds and squirrels continued to get up and moving early; life, in every form, carried on.  And with Baxter and the encouragement of the rising sun, I carried on and began to heal.

I got to have Baxter in my life for 10 amazing years.  Memories of the night we met; the day he chose his name; he’s crazy love for watching CAPS hockey on TV; his crazy tweets (@Baxter_tweets); his personality has always been part mine, part Mike, all him.

I imagine at some point in the next week or so, I’ll wake up and have to realize on my own that the sun is still rising in East, that birds are still flying, squirrels still running, and that my life will carry on.  And Baxter, he’ll be with Mike playing tug of war.  After he’s bitten Mike a few times on the ass for us both.

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