Category Archives: Beauty Reports

April 2017, intentions

03 Monday Apr 2017

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What am I for?  Can I believe it?

There’s a line from a song that I’m currently obsessed with that, when taken out of context, asks the simple question – what am I for?  And if I knew, could I believe it?  Maybe.

This month, my biggest intention I’m chasing is rediscovering my passions.  I teach yoga – I love teaching yoga.  I get to play in a week with one of my best friends when he comes to the States, I’m assisting Ana Forrest this month, and then I get to play more with Jambo.  When I’m around people that love their craft and students as much as Ana, Jose, and Jambo, it’s so inspirational.  I think I get bonus time with Brian and Szilvia, who always seem to be exactly what I need them to be in that moment.  It’s a good month to rediscover.

But I’m also taking action outside of yoga.  I’m back playing softball.  We had a practice yesterday.  While it was completely obvious I haven’t played in two years, I got some of the rust off – and hung out with some really amazing friends.  My rediscovery – connection.

I’m cooking one “extravagant” meal a month.  Just for me.  I love to cook and love to bake.  And while I cook most meals, I don’t go “balls to the wall” cooking anymore.  You know those recipes – they challenge us; they could go bad; and I might eat take out.  But cooking is meditative for me and I want to spend a few meal times making it more ceremonial.

I’m a healer.  I can say that now and believe it most moments.  Part of healing is understanding that I still get to work on myself.  Most specifically, I have some issues where my tendencies don’t serve and it’s in those spots I want to stalk in my body, find where they live, and learn to work with them.  I may end up removing them altogether but that’s the discovery.

Stepping into my biggest, my brightest, my best self takes time.  Awareness.  Authenticity.  Spirit.  It also takes the desire to get there.  And the understanding that even when I’m shining boldly and brightly today, there’s always tomorrow to shine more.

Let it go, to let it in

28 Tuesday Feb 2017

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I had the chance to go play with (aka ‘assist’) Ana and Jose last month.  Something that Ana said during one of our morning practices has been sitting with me and just over month later, it’s resonating and I feel it.

During our pre-class practice, Ana called me out on my lion’s breaths.  She said that I was moving things away from me effectively, but it was the uptick that I wasn’t doing enough. She told me to lion’s breath again, but that time, feel for my inhale.  Holy. Shit.

I’m really good at seeing what doesn’t serve me and working to eliminate it from my habits, my practice, my life.  But where I’ve been failing has been in how do I replace it?  The inhale, after a really big exhale, is even more important.  Can I bring in sweetness/kindness/hope/strength – the opposite of what I’ve just expelled?

I’ve been playing with this an intent in my practice and in my teaching the past few days.  My practice has already begun to evolve from a “race to get there” to more allowing the pose magick to happen.  I think that there are so many layers under letting in and I’m excited to continue feeling for what they reveal.  Where else in my life can I feel for what I bring in and work to bring in Beauty.

Truth Speak – 02/03/17

03 Friday Feb 2017

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I’m pretty sure we all suffer from them.  And when they hit us, we feel blindsided.  They are our nemesis thoughts.  The asshole critic that lives in our own head.  That never shuts up.  My critic, my nemesis thoughts, get more aggressive, more ugly, more hateful when I ignore them.  They spiral out of control.  They break my spirit.  Dim my light.  I’m sick of them.

Today on my mat, in a practice that I thought would feel good in my body and wouldn’t bring up much of anything, a few of these thoughts came up.  I felt them hit my body full force.  I stopped my practice.  I wasted some time by drinking some tea.  I almost gave up.

But I didn’t.  In a very brief moment, the voice of Ana Forrest snuck in.  She saw me.  And she reminded me that I learned a long time ago that those thoughts are lies.  To jump on a popular hashtag, they are #alternativefacts.

In Forrest Yoga, we teach to an apex pose – it’s the pose in the sequence that we warm the body up for, work on opening and creating space for, and is the “most advanced” pose of class.  My apex today was staying on my mat.  That one brief respite when Ana very much spoke the exact opposite of my nemesis gave me the courage to say those words for myself.  I cried.  And I tried to not cry.  But I cried more.

My apex today was showing up for myself.  Because I’m worth it.  Because my students are worth it.  My teacher is worth it.  My friends/family are worth.  I will continue to show up.  I will have my moments where my nemesis thought is loud, abrasive, ugly.  But someone, in that moment, will sneak into my mind and remind me – the toughest work is often done with another.  And I am not alone.

***I film practices to take pictures from often; I take pictures throughout practice.  This picture is that moment when the thought landed.  When I thought I wasn’t worth ….

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February, 2017

01 Wednesday Feb 2017

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Welcome to February.  My monthly intentions are still circling, they haven’t landed, but I definitely have some things I want to work with this month.  I’ve also added to my initial intention setting question.  While I feel for “who do I want to be on the last day of the month,” I’ve added a few additional phrases to help me shape my path – How do I become my biggest, my brightest, my best self?

With all of that, the word “healing” is pulling me in.  Healing.  For myself.  My students.  My community.  It can be a scary path – this whole stepping into and out for healing.  But in my core, in my cell tissue, I think we’re all worth it.  I’m a work in progress; so are these intentions.  Feel free to play along, to share your own.  Ask yourself that question.  Biggest.  Brightest.  Best self.

As a yoga teacher and healer, I commit to holding space.  For everyone.  Time on the mat is time to connect more deeply, more authentically with self.  I will honor this for every class, every student.  I will see you and I will not look away.  I want you to see me too.  We are same – human.  And there is much healing to be had from that alone.

I will see myself in all of my brightness, my scars, my hopes, my dark.  I am worth it.  So are you.  How can we honestly say we have come so far if we still refuse to see who we are? We cannot nor should we deny what we’ve come through.  But we should own up – take some pride even – in what we’ve accomplished.

I will act with kindness as my guide.  I will feel more.  And let others know how deeply I feel.  I will stand with everyone energetically – even if I cannot physically.  We stand together, or we pull ourselves apart.  I choose to stand.

I’m feeling pulled to be quiet – observing by seeing, hearing, feeling more.  I don’t know what that really means.  But for me, it’s a time to reflect on how I can give back, how can I be of service.  How can my healing story help yours.  And yours help mine.

We are same.  Human.

 

Why I (still) teach, 01/24/17

24 Tuesday Jan 2017

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I’ve had this as a blog post before, but as I said then – I think it’s important for teachers to revisit.  If you’re a teacher reading this blog, your turn.

I teach yoga because I’m still in love with the power of yoga to change lives.  I see it happen every fucking day.  I feel it happen every day in my own life.  There’s the obvious power on the mat, when we suddenly realize our own ability and take strides toward a pose that had previously intimidated.  I have moments off the mat when I’m reminded my breath, my strength, my power, and my worth all start with “my.”

I teach because I’m a student.  I want to learn.  From my teachers.  From my students.  From my friends.  I take every interaction in and process it because I’ve got a hunch – and pretty much always right – that there’s a nugget of wisdom in there.  And I want that wisdom.

But most importantly, I teach for my students.  They are the absolute ultimate reason I get up in the front of the room  Their commitment to being the best versions of themselves on the mat is inspiring; it’s humbling; it challenges me to be better.  Not because I want it.  But because they deserve it.

I got a gift of journals from a student.  As a “bad yogi,” I literally waited until today to open.  Not realizing there was a card inside.  I told you, bad yogi.  Quite frankly, her (BB) card to me reminded me why I teach – connection.  I see her weekly.  More than once most weeks.  And every time I am interested in her life; she (I hope) is interested in mine.  But we see each other.  We don’t look away.  And we support each other for what may lie ahead.

I teach yoga.  It’s my passion.  It’s my calling.  The universe has made it clear my direction.  I teach yoga because every day I want to become a better version of myself.  And I need someone to hold my hand so I won’t drift away.

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Truth Speak — January 16, 2017

16 Monday Jan 2017

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Five Years.

His death put me on this path.  His death changed me in ways I never thought could happen.  I went really dark the first few months after.  And in all honesty, some of that darkness remains.  A friend of mine, also my so incredible tarot reader, told me once that we who have the brightest lights are often the ones that come through the darkest dark.

I’m beginning to forget how he said my name.

Guilt.  I couldn’t save him.  Suicide is funny like that.  It leaves the survivors wondering what we could have done differently.  We question the last conversations, those precious last moments.  I’ve broken apart our interactions the final weekend for clues.  As a healer, I failed in healing.  One conversation repeatedly stands out.  He said something.  I felt something.  I called him on it, he laughed.  I shook it off.  Guilt.

This isn’t about him.

This is about me.  He chose to take himself out.  I hate being that blunt about it but he did.  And he didn’t care in that moment to think of someone else.  Anyone else.  Part of my healing has been to call him an asshole daily.  It’s a piece of homework given by my teacher that I do.  And now, more than a year after she gave it, I believe it most days.  There is more healing for me to do.

Starting fresh.

I’m lucky.  At some point, I realized I wanted to thrive.  Not just to live.  I don’t know what or how the catalyst kicked in, but it happened with the pull of Forrest Yoga.  I’m luckier still because the universe – in all its power – and the Sacred Ones – those that have gone before with all of their knowledge – granted me passage.  I don’t know if it was the fire from my dragon that put the spark of survival in me, but it burns brighter.  I’m learning more and more about dragon magick.  And I’m lucky to have another fire creature flying with me – the Phoenix.  New birth.  Fresh starts.  Out of the ashes comes Beauty.

Out of this darkness come the brightest light.

Intention, October ’16

01 Saturday Oct 2016

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It’s time for a new intention.  Well, not that I’m getting rid of the old ones.  That’s the fun thing about working with intents – we can add to them, allow them to evolve, or even re-use the same ones repeatedly.  I’ve been feeling the intention for this month churn inside me for a few weeks now.  With the new moon yesterday, new month today, and rainy weather here today, it feels like the right time to start.

Back story – I’ve been emotionally overwhelmed lately.  News of hate, violence, killings, beatings, etc. is really getting to me.  The level of disrespect is increasing at rates that we may have never felt before.  I’ve noticed my shoulders getting heavier with the weight of all things worldly and I’ve seen the same in bodies of students.  There have been definite moments I’ve wanted to retreat, to hide, to shield, and then to build my fortress.  I did that once.  And I’m still tearing down those walls, so I know that’s not really an option.

This month, I’m working with the word ‘connection.’  Each day, I’m going to go deeper connecting with my own spirit.  Using some lessons from Ana Forrest, I’m going to feed my spirit daily, to delight it, and to feel my own light grow brighter.  And each day, I’m going to connect to the spirit of anyone the universe leads across my path.  I’m going to see people as human.  Not a designer label, not a social class, but an outright human.  And hopefully, whether they feel it or not, their spirit will feel the value my spirit places on them.  And they get to grow brighter too.

While I’m not sure, I feel like actually connecting with myself and with others with true kindness is the beginning lesson we need to change this world.  To heal.  Authentic connection can be the catalyst to change, but as brightly as I know I can shine, I can’t do it alone.  If connecting to your own spirit is new to you, I’m going to give some ideas of how I’ll be connecting.  If you have that but aren’t sure how to connect to others, I’ve got some suggestions.  They’re just suggestions and you’ll figure out what will work for you.  Use this intent, share this intent.  And let’s all shine more.

Connecting to spirit: meditate; dance; sing; yoga; learn something new every day; play a drum; play a flute; play something; laugh; go outside; walk a dog; scratch a cat; feel the earth; look up; read a book; write a journal; write a poem.

Connecting to others: get off the computer; get off Facebook; call; write a letter; meet for coffee; meet for dinner; say hi to a stranger; open a door; say thank you; don’t look away; put phones down; laugh; sing; dance; hug; share a poem; share a song.

Let it go

06 Wednesday Jul 2016

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I’ve been quiet this past week, going inside, feeling my feels, and letting others shield me for me.  To catch you up, I had to let go of my best friend and bulldog Baxter one week ago today.  The cancer began to show definite signs it was winning.  He wasn’t suffering, he was growing weaker, and I didn’t want the suffering to begin.  I was able to spend the day with him – loving him, taking his love in, and honoring the amazing dog that he was.  The final moments of his life were filled with love and Beauty.

In his loss, I’ve been working on a really quite difficult version of gratitude – grateful for the years that I had with him and grateful we shared that time, thereby letting him go in love.  It’s hard, I’m not going to lie.  In letting go, we typically want to be selfish and keep that which we cherish near us.  Letting go with gratitude allows us to let go of what we love and hold tight to the memories filled with love.

I had another moment of letting go in gratitude today that reminded me of this work.  I lost a $20 bill.  It fell out of my pocket somewhere between the store and home.  When I realized it wasn’t in my pocket, my first thought was “Well, shit.”

But then I said a prayer.  I asked the Sacred Ones to guide that $20 to someone that needs the money more than I or to someone that is feeling down on their luck and needed a change of tide.  In that moment, with that simple prayer, I let go of Baxter.  I fully gave his amazing spirit over to the universe to use – he was love and his spirit in the plane he reincarnates will be love again.  Giving someone somewhere joy – much like the joy he gave to me.

The sun rose

30 Thursday Jun 2016

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And I guess it’ll continue to rise.  Grief is a funny emotion – it hits in this odd moments, in these different manners, and at points feels overpowering.  There have been moments today that I’m who I was a week ago – #AYogiAndHisDog.  And then I look at the couch and he’s not there; I go to the bedroom and he’s gone.  I tried to nap today but my napping companion didn’t join me and I couldn’t.

I’ve been in grief before.  I know how it’s done.  I know how it fucks us up.  But I’m also different now.  I know I can breathe.  I understand that the voice in my head making me feel guilty for “grieving wrong” is full of shit and this is my process.  Grief demands that – to honor the process; not to force anything; and to be human.

I taught my 7am class as usual; rushed home to walk Baxter only to remember on my way in that his walk wasn’t necessary.  I broke down completely in my noon class and shared a moment of authenticity with the class – that I didn’t want to teach that class but because of who they are and the power they hold, I was able to make it through.  I thought about filling his empty water dish.  The apartment feels “quiet.”  That statement is a weird one because he wasn’t a loud dog; it’s missing his energy that makes if feel quiet.

The sun set tonight.  It’ll come back up tomorrow.  I offered sage to the Sacred Ones yesterday for him, for me, for healing.  Today, I offered sage to help prevent me from hiding, from shielding.  Tomorrow, I don’t know what the prayer to the Sacred Ones will include but community is something that is coming across strongly right now.

Baxter saved my life.  I’ve said it so many times before.  Now it’s time for me to save my own.  #WhenTheGoingGetsTough #TheToughStartBreathing.

Resilience

02 Thursday Jun 2016

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Skip this paragraph if you’ve read it before – each morning, I wake up; I neti pot; put in my contacts; eat breakfast.  As I listen to the day around me waking up, I go over my day ahead, making a list of what I should do that day.  And I set an intention – what I want/need/should work on in the next 24 hours.  Most days, it makes sense; other days, it takes some patience.

Today, at the end of my morning ceremony, the word “resilience” came to me loud and clear.  I wasn’t sure what it meant but I wrote it down and then started my day.  I felt that word as I taught my morning class and didn’t freak out when a new to me teacher took my class.  I felt that word as a I met a friend for coffee.  While we were talking about what she could do for herself, I realized the word I had wasn’t for me – it was hers.  I shared that.  And when it landed, it LANDED.  It was a moment shared between friends, full of Beauty, love, knowledge, and hope.

I shared the moment during my personal therapy session and it hit me – the word belongs to me as well.  I’m a survivor, like the song says.  While most of the family and friends in my life don’t know my biggest secret (seriously, they don’t.  If you think you know, you probably don’t), they see me as picking myself up.  They see at times I was assisted by others.  Therein lies the magic of being resilient.

It’s not a “go it alone” sort of word.  We become stronger when we all become stronger, not by one person at a time.  We become nicer/more accepting, when we all become nicer/more accepting.  Resilience for me is changing the world by showing the world I’m changed; and helping those in my life do the exact same thing.