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Today was one of those really fascinating days.

I woke; played/walked Beatrix; meditated; practiced; taught; lead a Four Directions Ceremony; came home and hung out.  And it STORMED here earlier.

It was one of those storms that you feel it change the atmosphere.  There was wind, lightning, thunder, rain, and hail. Oddly, that’s how I felt internally during the storm.  It was quite fitting.

I’m sitting with a truth in how I want to be around other people.  And canceled a date because I didn’t want to drink alcohol to get my nerves up.  I don’t really put myself out there to date often for reasons too many to list here, but tonight I thought I would.  I told a friend about it earlier today, she asked if I was excited, and I was.

And then my head started hurting out of the blue.  Intensely hurting.  When my body speaks up loudly like that, I tend to listen.  And it drilled down to the alcohol.  I drink.  Not out of control.  But I am moving toward sober living.  I’ve been chatting with this guy for a few weeks and didn’t want to say anything about alcohol – or lack thereof.  It also felt that if I needed the “nerves” to be gone, tonight probably wasn’t a good idea.

I canceled.  My head started to find relief.  I’m working on the truth in this – if I don’t choose to hold my heart, no one will.  Everything is pointing that it’s beyond time for my whole body to leap into the dating pool.  But apparently some days, if only the toes are going in, and to go further I need a nudge, I don’t want to go in.

Tonight, before sleep, I sitting with Bea, holding her sacred, letting her show me mine.