I’m starting something new to the blogging. And opening up my journal. It’s a level of vulnerability I don’t share often. It’s scary. Somewhat intimidating. But as the song goes “…the scariest part is letting go.”
Courage is a frequent vistor in my themes and being vulnerable is one of the biggest ways we can be courageous. So here I am, being brave. That’s some scary ass shit right there.
You know those moments.
You think you’re strong.
But realize you’re not.
I’m in it. Baxter’s time is dwindling. He knows. I know. I want to run. I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want to say goodbye.
I woke up this morning with his head by mine. His body next to me. And I could have stayed there all day. He’s eating less. Breathing harder. I’m crying a lot. A lot.
I take joy in our 10+ years. In the memories; the way I’ve laughed; the joy he brought. I take comfort in the first face he sees in the transition will be Mike. And for a moment, fleeting at best, we’ll be family still.
He’s been my best friend. Closest confidant. I’ve offered him every ounce of protection my dragon can give. I’ve told the cat to share her magicks.
But now it’s a time of completion. Of love. More love. And so much love.
Mike didn’t give me the chance to say goodbye. I’ve had months with Baxter. My goodbye is scattered by the wind to the stars.