And I guess it’ll continue to rise. Grief is a funny emotion – it hits in this odd moments, in these different manners, and at points feels overpowering. There have been moments today that I’m who I was a week ago – #AYogiAndHisDog. And then I look at the couch and he’s not there; I go to the bedroom and he’s gone. I tried to nap today but my napping companion didn’t join me and I couldn’t.
I’ve been in grief before. I know how it’s done. I know how it fucks us up. But I’m also different now. I know I can breathe. I understand that the voice in my head making me feel guilty for “grieving wrong” is full of shit and this is my process. Grief demands that – to honor the process; not to force anything; and to be human.
I taught my 7am class as usual; rushed home to walk Baxter only to remember on my way in that his walk wasn’t necessary. I broke down completely in my noon class and shared a moment of authenticity with the class – that I didn’t want to teach that class but because of who they are and the power they hold, I was able to make it through. I thought about filling his empty water dish. The apartment feels “quiet.” That statement is a weird one because he wasn’t a loud dog; it’s missing his energy that makes if feel quiet.
The sun set tonight. It’ll come back up tomorrow. I offered sage to the Sacred Ones yesterday for him, for me, for healing. Today, I offered sage to help prevent me from hiding, from shielding. Tomorrow, I don’t know what the prayer to the Sacred Ones will include but community is something that is coming across strongly right now.
Baxter saved my life. I’ve said it so many times before. Now it’s time for me to save my own. #WhenTheGoingGetsTough #TheToughStartBreathing.