Monthly Archives: July 2015

Beauty Report – Value

27 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by in #nothingforgranted, Beauty Reports, Gratitude, Life Lessons

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I have a voice that prattles on inside my head.  This voice speaks to me almost constantly.  I can ignore this jerk in my head most of the time, but other times, I cannot and he just keeps talking louder and louder.

When my voice pipes up, he comes after my feelings of self-worth.  This jerk prattles on how I am not worthy for __________; how I’m not good enough to _________; or why would I think that I could _________.  We can go ahead and fill in the blanks here with anything ranging from love to friendship to yoga and every aspect of my life in between.  Every aspect.  Because I feel inadequate.  Daily.

I think that many, if not most/all, of us deal with the feeling that we are less than someone else or do not have a value of our own.  Society places onto us so many definitions of what “success” is – the right body, the right job, lots of money, tons of friends, great vacations, etc.  And because many of those are outside of the realm of what’s possible for us, we start this inner dialogue.  We then get into this spiral and can’t figure out how to get out.

I was in one of those places this morning.  This voice of mine was talking and I would counter with arguments that kept falling short.  I was in this dialogue pretty deeply and saw a woman and her dog that live in my neighborhood.  Let me point out now that the dog is a service dog and she is deaf and legally blind.  She stops at corners and waits until someone can help her cross a busy street.  Seeing her from a distance, I wished that someone else would walk up to her first.  And I knew the second that wish went out, it would be me that walked up to her first.

Because that’s how the universe works sometimes – when there is a big lesson to be had, there’s a shout to pay attention.  So as I walked up to her, I turned my music off, I stopped the discussion in my head, I felt my feet, and started to breathe.  I made my presence known, she grabbed my arm and we slowly made our way across the two streets.  And in parting, she looked at me and gave me the gift of an amazing smile and head nod.  #Beauty.

My moments of doubt leading up to that moment were washed away.  Here was one person, who in that one moment, thought I was worth a smile that had the power to carry me through my day and to get the voice out of my head.  As I walked the remaining block to my house, I cried; I’m crying now.  Because we all have a person that thinks we have value. We have worth.

Intention – To Shine

22 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons

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<<<note to reader: I don’t think this is all I have or want to say.  #staytuned.

I had a moment during a class today.  As I was offering the class a meditation and giving suggestions on how they could go inward but still maintain an awareness to the world/room around them, I stopped talking to the students and my words came out for me.  I don’t do a guided meditation often but the energy of the class today was incredibly grounded and I wanted to give them space to tap into that ground.

I had students breathe into their surroundings with their eyes closed.  Feeling for the breath, the vibrations in the floor, the sounds of the street and outside, and for the light on their eyelids.  When I began speaking of the light, the words began to hit me.

We all have a light within; depending on your belief system, it’s your soul or your spirit or something similar in concept.  As I was feeling my way into my own light, I began to realize how frequently and purposefully we all dim our own shine.  We dim our light because we don’t want to appear conceited; because we don’t think we are worthy enough to shine; or because we are afraid of what the light shows.  Those are just a few of my reasons and I’m sure there are thousands more out there.

I’ve been reading a lot lately for my Forrest Yoga certification level 2 and everything I’m reading and writing about is leading me to this point (cover your eyes for profanity) – who the fuck cares because it’s my light?  I have scars.  And I’m sure I’ll get more.  I have imperfections.  And I don’t want to be perfect.

But my light shares my story.  I’m a survivor.  I’m strong.  And I’m bright.  I challenge anyone reading this right now – change the story of your light from hiding it to blasting it on full beams.  We all have a life force within us and if we are to come together and actually do good, we all need to realize we’re shiny.  I’m going to work on my shine – of not being afraid of it; of not shifting it away from me; but sharing with others as well.  I’ve been aware that my light is strong for a long while now.  And so is yours.  Let’s go shine….together.

Holding space…

18 Saturday Jul 2015

Posted by in #nothingforgranted, Beauty Reports, Gratitude, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons

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I’m not gonna lie – I’ve been using the same intention in all of my Forrest classes this week.  Because it rings so incredibly true to me. And because it rings so true, I thought I’d share it here – hopefully it’ll ring true for someone out there too.  But first, I have two stories to share…

My ex, “M”, died three years ago.  That was the event that sent me on my path and eventually my turn to Forrest Yoga.  His death shook me to the core in ways that most people will never be shaken.  I still have moments when I’m not sure how I came through the other side but I’m ever so happy I am (read: it’s a journey and I’m still on it).

I also listened to Brene Brown’s audiobook on worthiness last week and her four points of empathy sit with me – perspective (1) with no judgement (2) communicated (3) in an area where another person holds space for you (4).  That holding space is so much bigger than I think anyone will ever know or even ever realize.

Holding space can be a scary concept.  It means that whatever transpires, everyone is safe; everyone is looked after; and everyone has a place to release.  I’ve been trying to figure out why holding space was so important to me and it hit me last night – because I had space held for me.

When “M” died, there were some loose ends to tie up, it took longer than I thought it should.  But his family trusted me with his ashes.  While he never said where he wanted to be scattered, I made some guesses, also known as throwing some darts.  And then one night, while going through photos, it came to me.  And felt so right.  His ashes were scattered on a mountain (he loved to ski) overlooking an ocean (he loved the beach).  After scattering his ashes, I joined my sister “T” on a bench overlooking the ocean at the top of the mountain.

And possibly without knowing what she was doing, or possibly with full knowledge, she held my space.  We sat in silence.  In Beauty.  We both cried.  We both laughed.  And I felt safe.  That’s what holding space is.

We hold space for others when the other person is so broken, so damaged they can’t hold it for them self.  We hold space because at some point, we may need space held for us. But mostly, we hold space because we’re all human.  And giving another person the ability to let their shields down and to “just be” may be the greatest gift you can give another.

During a yoga practice, we often times unknowingly hold space for ourself.  But I’ve been asking my classes to hold space for each other.  Because human connection is what will heal and strengthen us.  Because human connection is the best thing we can give to another.

*side note – while I’ve thanked “T” previously, I’m taking the chance here and now to say it again.  Those moments of silence on the bench were the MOST AMAZING moments anyone could have given me.  And should you ever need space held, I would be honored and humbled to hold it for you.

I am worthy…

09 Thursday Jul 2015

Posted by in #nothingforgranted, Bad Yogi, Beauty Reports, Dragon, Forrest Yoga, Intention setting, Intentions, Life Lessons

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Those are very powerful words.  Most yogi’s stay away from speaking as though they have an ego (they do), that they are proud of themselves (they are), or that they haven’t come a long way on their path (because why?).  While the topic of ego is best saved for another day, let’s talk about being worthy.

Honest answer – I have no idea what that means.  But I’m trying.  I carry with me a past history that can be seen as tragic in nature.  And lays on me levels of guilt I cannot even describe.  That guilt rolls into everything I do – I feel guilty when I’m happy; I feel guilty when I walk my dog; I feel guilt when my future is so bright; I feel guilt.  And guilt weighs me.

In my Forrest Foundation Training, Ana Forrest sat next to me one morning and we had a conversation while the class was doing wrist stretches.  She told me things that I’m sure multiple friends and family had wanted to tell me for three years but no one could for fear my dragon would burn them.  It would have.  I was at a point with Ana and I was ready.

So let’s think about those words.  I am worthy.  That’s become my current mantra.  Every time doubt creeps in, I remind myself that I am worthy.  Every time guilt raises its fucking ugly head, I say those words.  And each time I think about being happy, about being in love, and even (gasp) about marrying the man that I love, I tell myself.  I’m worthy of all of that and so much more.

And I think you are too.  How many times a day do we self sabotage?  Why do we hold ourself back from something good/challenging/amazing?  Because the opposite phrase rings true to us – I am worthless.  I only offer that phrase because I want to challenge everyone – family/friends/students/teachers to begin to see their own value.  And to shout about it from the roofs.  Because we all are – worthy.  Now breathe that power in.