<<<Warning: things may get personal and long>>>
I have had this blog rolling around in my head in some form since last Halloween. I find the thought of “what’s my costume” interesting, powerful, and scary as hell. I think we all wear a costume. The sad fact is often that after time, we fail to realize that we put a costume on daily; I’m definitely guilty of this.
Some costumes appear in the form of shields to protect our heart or our head because of a prior life experience. Others are actual “costumes” where we make ourselves out to be a bigger or better version of self. And there are those costumes that camouflage us and try to hide us away from the seeing eyes of people. We may have one, we may have all three but they all provide us with the idea of safety in ways that actually keep us from stepping into that vision of self that we see. I very distinctly have all three. And it’s while playing with the idea of this post that I can identify an example of each – I’m sure I’ve got multiple costumes on various levels but this is what I know to be true.
I shield my heart STRONGLY. I have been burned badly by a person I loved, to the extent that I’ve been afraid to put myself back into the field completely. When something starts going well, I practice self-sabotage. I struggle with seeing why I deserve to be happy. A friend and teacher (AD) can identify each time I’m not connected to my heart and it’s the same damn shield every time. I can feel it there. One I think I’ve taken care of but it’s there.
I also project out this version of myself that I think most others want to see, that I want to be, and that makes the most sense in any given moment. I call this my inflated ego. Because I want to be brave. I want to be strong. I want to be …
The last is actually my hardest. Another friend and teacher (JT) said the other day how he and I are both afraid of our own fire. When he said that, the realization fully hit me – I’m hiding my own light from myself because it’s scary as fuck to think about letting it go.
My question to self – and whomever is still reading – is why hide? Why not be? I am me, I know I have fire, I know I’m shiny, what scares me the most about taking down all of the costumes? It’s revealing those parts of me that I still may not like to everyone that I do like. But that’s my truth – and it’s a daily path I walk. My intent is to slowly and with my breath, begin to reveal true self to others and stop putting out the costumed version.
I’m a superhero. I don’t need a secret identity.